Just put Sam to bed. It's been one of those hard days, but hard in a way I never imagined. He spent the bulk of the day nursing and sleeping on me (he woke up angry and upset every time I tried to put him to sleep in his Moses basket) so I got very little work done. But that wasn't the hard part. I'm miles from any deadlines so work wasn't critical. It was his vulnerability and need for me that just kept breaking my heart over and over again all day that killed me. I cried when he looked up at me this afternoon and smiled his gummy, drunken smile, and I cried tonight when I saw traces of the face he'll one day grow into taking shape while he slept in my arms. Love this big is hard.
I was warned that being a mother would be hard, but I never imagined that hard meant this. I've always tried to savor the best moments in life and I do what I can to hold onto the fleeting, but this? This takes the cake. How can I slow all this down? Burn all the rapidly passing moments into my memory? One day, very soon, he won't need me so much. I'm sure there are advantages to this - I might be able to get some work done - but I dread that day. I just want to hold him forever and not have to say goodbye to the Sam that he was today - although I can't wait to see who he'll be tomorrow. See? It's crazy. And frustrating. And hard.